I think. A lot. I think about life. I think about my day. I think about what people say. I think about the things I should and shouldn’t have said. I think about people. I think about the world. I think about the future. I think about God and my faith. I think about what I’m going to do tomorrow. I think about my plans. I think way too much. And most times, my thoughts end up bringing me to the tough realization that I’m constantly less-than-the-ideal Christian.
I find myself lacking in my passion with God. I find myself being a poor representative of the faith I profess. And most often than not, I feel like I disappoint God. Sin is not necessarily involved, but I just feel like I am not being the Christian that I could be–that I should be. And it leaves me feeling discouraged and deflated.
I mumble a begrudgingly heart-felt “sorry prayer” to God. And I mumble because I suppose He’s tired of hearing me say the same prayer over and over. Maybe I should get a thesaurus and find synonyms for a few words; maybe that would make the prayer sound different and interesting. Sometimes, the prayer doesn’t really make me feel like I deserve to be forgiven or listened to at all.
But despite my failures and shortcomings and despite my feelings, one thing do I know for sure: I want to stay here. I want to live this Christian life. I want to get to the end of my days, to finish this race, even if I have to limp all the way to the finish line. I was depending too much on myself and expecting flawed, little me to do what only God could do through me. It’s not my performance that will get me through or make me worthy of God and His salvation. It’s God’s grace; fully and completely the merit is His. And He won’t give up on me until I’m past the finish line. And it makes me feel comforted.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Philippians 1:6