Stop this Train

Gare Saint-Lazare (1877), Claude Monet

If you had asked me on any of my previous brithdays if I felt any different or if I felt like I had changed in the time lapse of a year, I would’ve said no; except for that one time when I turned 19 and I finally started to feel like a “real” adult–whatever that means.

But it took me 21 years and 76 days to finally feel really different–the kind of different that I would rather not feel. Somehow, being over the teen hump has brought upon me the weight of my years. I know they might not sound like many, but they’re starting to feel like a lot.

Much like John Mayer, I feel like yelling “stop this train, I’ll get off in the next stop and just stay there”. Maybe if the years stop running and dragging me with them, I won’t have to feel the presuure of caving to whatever society expects me to do or become.

It’s not that I’m afraid of growing old. I’m afraid that I won’t  ever do what I first set out to do when innocence gave you wings and nothing was impossible. I’m afraid of looking back on my life and realizing that it was just a big, fat Blah! and that I did not do anything for myself or for the Kingdom.

For some reason unknown to me, I had the notion that the time of my youth was infinite. I could waste all the time I wanted on silly, pointless things and somehow make up for it later.

But now, 21 years and 76 days after my birth,  I realize there really is no turning back. Whatever I didn’t do before must now be done in the future, if possible. Whatever memories I did not carve before today won’t ever be carved–at least not in the past.

I know that living a life I don’t regret involves risk. I’ll have to show all my cards, even If I don’t know if I’m winning. I have to dare myself to stop thinking about what people expect or want of me. I’ll have to stop second guessing my every move and just start living, like out of instinct–the instinct that we’re born with when we’re born of the Spirit.

I don’t want to live behind my coward excuses anymore.

A life of fear will never be worth telling.

Earthquake Call

Photo Credit: telegraph.co.uk

I had heard the news–the earthquake in Haiti two years ago and the one in Japan last year. It was shocking news, but I don’t think I had ever understood the magnitude of fear and despair. My country has had very few quakes in a long time, and I had never felt any of those before.

But 2 days ago, I was sitting on my desk at work and I felt a slight tremor. I looked at the computer screen and I knew what was making it shake. My heart started beating faster. I controlled my impulse to run outside like a mad person, and just waited tensely as the shaking stopped. My first earthquake… it wasn’t even that strong, but it was strong and long enough to scare me.

Earthquakes are out of our control, like hurricanes and financial crisis, but not exactly like it. Hurricanes are scary, but if we live in a strong home, we’ll be fine. But earthquakes? It doesn’t matter how strong our homes are, we are still not safe, our homes can be shaken to the ground or we can have an unpredictable tsunami. No one is exempt.

I admit that the earthquake scared me, but after all the fuzz, I realized it was more like a wake up call. I can get so tangled in the daily things (like work, and college, and life in general) that I sometimes forget that these things will pass. Sometimes, the end of the world seems far more distant than it really is. This earthquake reminded me that the life I live and the earth we fight so hard to cling to will one day exist no more. But after that day, I will be in Heaven with my Savior forever.

It’s such a relief to be fearful for a minute, but to know that everything is going to be fine in the end; even if the earthquake is very strong, even if my house falls down, and even if I die. I do not live for this world. My heavenly abode awaits.

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” -Philippians 1:21

Hakuna Matata

Photo Credits: ryanselvy.tumblr.com

I had been waiting for the taxi that would drive me from work to college for 15 minutes now. I was restless. He arrived any later, and I would miss my midterm test. I couldn’t miss my test! My sister’s car was being fixed; it would not be ready until after 30 minutes. I called the taxi company a million times, but the taxi never arrived. I resigned myself to wait… against my will. When I was finally able to make it to school, I found out that my teacher had not yet made it to class.

Recently, I once again wasn’t able to make it to one of my finals due to job responsibilities and other misunderstandings. I paid to retake the test and, after 5 days, my teacher had not yet graded it. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to enroll in the next semester. The last day of course registration, with hopes deflated, I found out that she had finally sent in my grade, and I was able to take my courses normally. By the way, I got an A!

These are only a few stories that represent what my year has mostly looked like. It’s easy to worry when we find ourselves in times of anxiety or uncertainty. When we’ve exhausted every possible solution, worrying makes us feel like we still have some control over the situation. But in reality, we don’t. Worrying won’t change the situation, it will only encourage us to dwell in the difficulties or trouble.

In both situations above, the problem was out of my hands. I did everything within my possibility to fix things, but I couldn’t. Since God knows I like to be in control, He intentionally closed those doors, He made me wait until the very last minute to show me that my problems are in His hands and that worry wouldn’t change my situation.

When we worry, we forget that everything that happens in our lives has not escaped God’s knowledge. We are deceiving ourselves into thinking that we have any say over the final outcome of things. We can do everything right and still, things might not go as planned. And thank God for detours, because they take our eyes from our own self-sufficiency and force us to rely in Him alone.

As we start a new year, we reflect on what we’ve accomplished so far and the goals we hope to attain in the near future. I can say that many things I hoped would happen in 2011 didn’t happen. And as the new year starts peeking in, my mind tends to wander if I’ll “make them happen” in 2012.

Whatever you and I weren’t able to do in 2011, whatever we don’t get to accomplish in 2012, whatever trouble comes our way, whatever way God decides to solve it, whatever happens, there’s no use in worrying… not now, not ever.

Happy New Year!

Problem = Opportunity

Image Credit: putmeincoach13.blogspot.com

I found myself arriving home after a very long day at work, only to find out that I didn’t have the house keys. I would have to wait for an hour at least before anyone got home.

I was frustrated and tired, almost at the verge of tears because I really didn’t want to wait outside, and because whatever I had planned to do would have to be postponed.

I sat on the cold stairs and took deep breaths to calm myself down. Almost like an epiphany, I realized what I frequently forget: before I even thought about leaving work, God knew that I didn’t have my keys and that I would have to wait outside for a while. 

Maybe this was all part of His plan to give me a break–a break from the worries of the daily life and from the own excuses I give to justify the fact that I haven’t been spending much time with Him lately. Maybe He knew that if I wasn’t forced to be still, with no laptop or anything else I could work on, then we wouldn’t have had our much needed conversation (and I’m the needy party in the equation).

I sat on the cold stairs, but now, I was content. I was taking in every second of this moment of idleness that I desperately needed. But mostly, I took advantage of this moment of quiet solitude, of no responsibilities to distract me, to pray to my God.

He knew, better than I would, that I really needed to be locked out.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good [...]”    -Romans 8:28